5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
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The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”