’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?
*racks the chamber*
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what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…