@mikejanson2

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

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@MattRundle

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

@wolfpupy

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

@PhuckinCody

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

@karanbirtinna

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

@MomOfTeen

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

@JohnLyonTweets

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

@WheelTod

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

@LoveNLunchmeat

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…