5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

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ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface


Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…


Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan


time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain


Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.


Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.

*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.


Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided


NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers


Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.


Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age.