5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
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*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6: