Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
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In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
The best part about owning cats is that they’ll eat you when you die and save you the cost of a funeral.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Every culture invents the sword, fried dough, & fermentation. There’s a basic human need to stab someone & then have beer & donuts.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It’s like God doesn’t trust us to write our own jokes.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
*offers Batman cough drops*