@blade_funner
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
@dadmann_walking
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
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@blade_funner
@MooseAllain
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
@drinksmcgee
The best part about owning cats is that they’ll eat you when you die and save you the cost of a funeral.
@Jez1
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
@sixfootcandy
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
@ozzyunc
Every culture invents the sword, fried dough, & fermentation. There’s a basic human need to stab someone & then have beer & donuts.
@AndyAsAdjective
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
@nerdreign
Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It’s like God doesn’t trust us to write our own jokes.
@CherBear162
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
@MrSandeepP
*offers Batman cough drops*