Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@KeetPotato

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

@Reverend_Scott

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

@ScarletStoner

I look suspicious doing anything. You could walk in on me heating up a hot pocket and my face could look like I just murdered my family.

@adambroach

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

@AlmightyBored

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

@elunatyk

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.

@thejodiest

Just tell me when and where, and I’ll be there 20 minutes late.

@ShootyDoody

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.

@Spaziotwat

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

@BatBatshitcrazy

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.