@dadmann_walking

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

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@blade_funner

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

@MooseAllain

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

@drinksmcgee

The best part about owning cats is that they’ll eat you when you die and save you the cost of a funeral.

@Jez1

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

@ozzyunc

Every culture invents the sword, fried dough, & fermentation. There’s a basic human need to stab someone & then have beer & donuts.

@AndyAsAdjective

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

@nerdreign

Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It’s like God doesn’t trust us to write our own jokes.

@CherBear162

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!