5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

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“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff


Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly


I look suspicious doing anything. You could walk in on me heating up a hot pocket and my face could look like I just murdered my family.


Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.


Why no, Google Maps, I donโ€™t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.


Just tell me when and where, and I’ll be there 20 minutes late.


Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.


Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”


I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.