[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
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I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*