5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
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When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
dutch so unserious
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.