5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
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Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
At least he brought enough for everyone
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”