5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
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Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith: