self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
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HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie