5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
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[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
the saddest jazz hands ever
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.