5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
You Might Also Like
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
tinder is all about the long game
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.