Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
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My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.