5: I went potty.
Me: Did you remember to wipe this time?
5: No.
Me: Why?
5: It’s faster my way.

I don’t know how to counter that argument.

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Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?


Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.


Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*


Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.


My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.


I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere


I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.


Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.