Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*
My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
5: I went potty.
Me: Did you remember to wipe this time?
5: It’s faster my way.
I don’t know how to counter that argument.
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My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.