“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
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A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Thursday
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine