@scorpicpanda

5: “I went to Banana Land. The bananas danced & had flowers & tiny pandas on their heads.”

Me: “I’ll have whatever that kid’s having.”

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@TheAndrewNadeau

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

@jake_lach

You had a panic attack on the elevator, so no, you can’t go with me to buy drugs

@MrTimothyClark

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

@TheGayFlash

I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.

@Home_Halfway

ROSE: I’ll never let go Jack

JACK: You have room

ROSE: I’ll never let go

JACK: You’re in a sailboat

ROSE: Goodbye Jack

JACK: You have a cooler of beer on deck

ROSE:

JACK: The boat has a living room

ROSE:

JACK:

ROSE: Dude can’t you just take a hint

@NikiWithIssues

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

@wittwitbarista

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

@BuckyIsotope

Kanye goes to law school just so he can yell THE DEFENSE WESTS YOUR HONOR and moonwalk out of the courtroom. The defendant is executed.