The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
You Might Also Like
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped