5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
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Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me