Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
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me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.