5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
You Might Also Like
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
grotesque if literal: baby food
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Shoo shoo! 😂
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
#Caturday
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.