5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
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Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you’ll end up ruining things like you always do, but how? The possibilities are endless.
me: SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS `NO CATS ALLOWED’
thats not a cat its a king cobra & it just went into the ballpit
me: Bitey loves kids doe
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Me: [totally dry monotone voice] I’m gonna get my mojo back
Mojo: still no
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.