@PinkCamoTO

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

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@vinnycrack

Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you’ll end up ruining things like you always do, but how? The possibilities are endless.

@eyeswidebutt

me: SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS `NO CATS ALLOWED’

thats not a cat its a king cobra & it just went into the ballpit

me: Bitey loves kids doe

@TheAlexP

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

@williamwanton

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

@gobmentcheese

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

@sonictyrant

Me: [totally dry monotone voice] I’m gonna get my mojo back

Mojo: still no

@noog

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

@HousewifeOfHell

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.