5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
You Might Also Like
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening