I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
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If the inventor of the iPhone battery ever ends up on life support in a hospital, I hope the back up power source is an iPhone battery.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I just managed to eat a bag of chips without waking the dog like some kinda ninja.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava