5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

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I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.


If the inventor of the iPhone battery ever ends up on life support in a hospital, I hope the back up power source is an iPhone battery.


Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?


“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”


Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.


Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women


when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you


I just managed to eat a bag of chips without waking the dog like some kinda ninja.


[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles