5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
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Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
mariah carrie
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
next question.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.