5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
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The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
That 👊
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure