5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
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Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?