[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
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Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.