[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
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I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.