dude that designs dressing rooms: make em tiny like an upright coffin. good. now make the lighting so that bare skin looks like nightmares.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
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Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Hefner or Grant?
– Horton Hears a Hugh
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17,19 etc were the years when I was in my prime.
She called and said she didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I agreed with her.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”