Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
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[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
When I’m at a friend’s house & there are snacks, all I’m thinking is “How do I eat everything without looking like a homeless person?”
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Do transformers buy car or life insurance?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
me: wait why is the T silent
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*