Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

Boss: Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday.

Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!

Me: It is if you go as Christmas.

Boss:…

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.