[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
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I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.