Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
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I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
IT’S-A ME,
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
*looks at you in batman voice*
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.