@junejuly12: 5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
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@amazymay72x: Weed doesn't give me an attitude when I forget to pay the electric bill... I love you, weed.
@jimmytorosian: *phone rings* Wife: "Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me (a dad): "Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It's for you." Wife: "...."
@LRenceFivvens: Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works. *roving gang of doctors walk past house* *feral teacher crashes through window*