STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
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I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.