@notmythirdrodeo

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

You Might Also Like

@maryfairybobrry

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

@

“GO SPORTS!” -how I cheer for all sports

@sensual_dad

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

@RidiculousSheri

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

@GodfreyElfwick

I suggest now is the time to send ISIS some *very* strongly worded emails – then hit them with the biggest petition they’ve ever seen.

@jordan_stratton

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

@Jenny4ashley

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

@mrjohndarby

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

@softly_sighing2

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.