5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

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It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us


“GO SPORTS!” -how I cheer for all sports


me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda


I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.


I suggest now is the time to send ISIS some *very* strongly worded emails – then hit them with the biggest petition they’ve ever seen.


SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?


Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.


[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this


Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.