It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
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“GO SPORTS!” -how I cheer for all sports
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
My pet rock likes to dent people’s heads. I don’t blame him
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I suggest now is the time to send ISIS some *very* strongly worded emails – then hit them with the biggest petition they’ve ever seen.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.