5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
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I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.