5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
You Might Also Like
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Sticker placement is key.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?