I scream, you scream, my puppet screams, my other puppet screams, the waiter screams, this is the worst first date ever
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
You Might Also Like
[getting a haircut]
“just make sure the Airpods are visible”
toddler: Lets go get a cake
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Employee [shines flashlight at me]: Sir you cannot eat in the planetarium
**slow taco crunch**
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want. You’ll still have herpes.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
When my wife said let’s do something fun for our anniversary I had no idea she meant together. I’m a man not a mind reader. I forgive you.