5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
You Might Also Like
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Confused owl: What?!