5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
You Might Also Like
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
a fate I wish upon no one
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.