Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you a really nice house to be miserable in.
5 people hurt themselves by accidentally discharging guns at gun shows. Maybe the best way to handle gun nuts is to just let them have guns.
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UFO: *lands on my lawn
Me: *peeking through blinds* better not kill my grass
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Pennywise got his name because he’s very savvy financially.
He lives in the sewer to avoid paying rent, and he eats kids instead of buying groceries.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it “Game of Thrones”.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.
You’d think a dude named Captain Crunch would have amazing abs.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”