@kumailn

5 people hurt themselves by accidentally discharging guns at gun shows. Maybe the best way to handle gun nuts is to just let them have guns.

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@mollzbenn

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you a really nice house to be miserable in.

@ThaJawn

UFO: *lands on my lawn

Me: *peeking through blinds* better not kill my grass

@clindsaysway

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

@Home_Halfway

Pennywise got his name because he’s very savvy financially.

He lives in the sewer to avoid paying rent, and he eats kids instead of buying groceries.

@Marlebean

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

@moose_chocolate

I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it “Game of Thrones”.

@OLDIRTYDIAPER

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

@JermHimselfish

I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

@YourAnMoron

You’d think a dude named Captain Crunch would have amazing abs.

@awordforaword

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”