In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
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those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.