*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

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Me: As a descendant of Genghis Khan, I am more than comfortable on a horse!

Kid: Mister, you have to put a quarter in for them to go around


I’m sitting in my car eating mini eggs and crying and the dude who just pulled up next to me looked in my car and then decided to park somewhere else


A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.


Somewhere out there, my soulmate is adorably pushing on a pull door.


If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.


Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.


My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him “doctor.”


The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.


sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade