[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
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When I was in college I had all these philosophical questions.
Now I just want to know how these kids got toothpaste under the toilet seat.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I wonder if clouds look down on us and say shit like “That one’s shaped like an idiot.”
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade level. he’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. give him a second.
Dad: Let’s talk, we never talk.
Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something…
Dad: You can tell me anything.
Me: I’m Batman.
Dad: Get out.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette