*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
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Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Why is no one talking about this?!
Baking is just science you can eat.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.