Me: As a descendant of Genghis Khan, I am more than comfortable on a horse!
Kid: Mister, you have to put a quarter in for them to go around
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
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I’m sitting in my car eating mini eggs and crying and the dude who just pulled up next to me looked in my car and then decided to park somewhere else
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Somewhere out there, my soulmate is adorably pushing on a pull door.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him “doctor.”
Found in the archives…
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade