@Playing_Dad

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

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@stephenjmolloy

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

@SaltyCorpse

When I was in college I had all these philosophical questions.

Now I just want to know how these kids got toothpaste under the toilet seat.

@noogscorner

I wonder if clouds look down on us and say shit like “That one’s shaped like an idiot.”

@itsNLEChoppa

girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade level. he’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. give him a second.

@NikiWithIssues

Dad: Let’s talk, we never talk.
Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something…
Dad: You can tell me anything.
Me: I’m Batman.
Dad: Get out.

@Tmoney68

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

@FeelingEuphoric

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all