5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
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My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!