Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
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[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
thanks auntie mary
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too