5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
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I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down