5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
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It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy