ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
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Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage