Eight hours into this family road trip I realized my lifelong vow to avoid illegal drugs was stupid.
5 steps to a happy marriage:
4. Mr. Noodles
5. Oops this is my grocery list.
6. Still applicable.
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It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Monkey: “We’re not so different”
Me: “Did that monkey just talk to me”
Monkey: “Monkey noise”
Me: “Did it just say ‘monkey noise’?”
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
The existence of Hogwarts has never been proven false…
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.