@Cage_unlocked

5 steps to a happy marriage:

1. Doritos
2. Oreos
3. Pez
4. Mr. Noodles
5. Oops this is my grocery list.
6. Still applicable.

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@HiddleDeeDee

Eight hours into this family road trip I realized my lifelong vow to avoid illegal drugs was stupid.

@Mardigroan

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

@Playing4Second

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

@TheNYAMProject

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

@DillDoes

Monkey: “We’re not so different”

Me: “Did that monkey just talk to me”

Monkey: “Monkey noise”

Me: “Did it just say ‘monkey noise’?”

@AndrewNadeau0

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

@9GAG

The existence of Hogwarts has never been proven false…

@KentWGraham

I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.

@Tbone7219

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.