5 steps to a happy marriage:

1. Doritos
2. Oreos
3. Pez
4. Mr. Noodles
5. Oops this is my grocery list.
6. Still applicable.

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Eight hours into this family road trip I realized my lifelong vow to avoid illegal drugs was stupid.


It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.


I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty


I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.


Monkey: “We’re not so different”

Me: “Did that monkey just talk to me”

Monkey: “Monkey noise”

Me: “Did it just say ‘monkey noise’?”


Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.


The existence of Hogwarts has never been proven false…


I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.


I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.