5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
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[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
early stone age tool
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.