5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
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i’m so old i’m almost back in style
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
He’s dead
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.