5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

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GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya


Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?


[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.


I woke up because of birds chirping.nI wish I had wings too.nI would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one. n6 am is too early.


Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you


Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first


*maroon 5 band meeting*
‘Songs About Jane’ was a massive hit, let’s never make anything that sounds like it ever again. do u guys like disco