@Michael1979

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

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@BuckyIsotope

*being pulled away by security from flamingo pen at the zoo with a handful of pink feathers and a black eye*
HE STARTED IT

@WorIdComedy

mom: why is there a Hispanic man climbing our balcony

me: he is my romeo & I am his Juliet

mom: (._. )

me: I’m just kidding call the cops

@DavidAdt1

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

@Rollmaninoz

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

@ixix82

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

@gabemakesmusic

I once saw a road sign that said, “Slow Down, Small Children at Play” but then it occurred to me that I’m not afraid of small children

@andlikelaura

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

@WhatsAGreenhorn

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off