*being pulled away by security from flamingo pen at the zoo with a handful of pink feathers and a black eye*
HE STARTED IT
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
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mom: why is there a Hispanic man climbing our balcony
me: he is my romeo & I am his Juliet
mom: (._. )
me: I’m just kidding call the cops
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
No autocorrect, I do not want to organism all over his face.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
It all went downhill when he texted me he’s abscessed with me.
I once saw a road sign that said, “Slow Down, Small Children at Play” but then it occurred to me that I’m not afraid of small children
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off