5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
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WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.