5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
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Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*