Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

Practicing safe sax

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

When you stub your toe but there are kids around.

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think