5: “Why is the moon so bright?”

Me: “It’s not, it’s pretty dim actually.”

Moon: “I heard that.”

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Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste


I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.


I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.


Pretty cool that the letters “B.J.” stand for the two greatest things in the world: beef jerky & Billy Joel.


ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?


*cop approaches me*

“have u seen this girl?”

*holds up photo*

“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”


“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”


*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.


Finally nailed my girlfriend and her twin last night You know how I tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.


My son asked where I was going because I was wearing my ‘big eyebrows’ so don’t tell me men don’t notice shit