Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
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If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate