professsor x: what’s your superpower
me: solving for variables
professor 17: oh wow
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
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If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
wife: i’ve sent the kids to the sitter
wife: *taking clothes off* you know what that means?
me: yeah, someone who looks after our children for money
I grew up for this?
Pizza is an emotion right?
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE
This fall on CBS
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE