@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

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@AndrewNadeau0

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

@botandy

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

@UnFitz

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

@thelateinnings

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

@iGreenMonk

The first guy to clap was really weird “I enjoyed this so I’m going to hit my hand with my other hand to show my appreciation”

@Tmoney68

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

@ClichedOut

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

@bingowings14

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

@kumailn

It’s fine to eat chicken with skin but serve beef with skin and everybody just starts freaking out.

@underchilde

[lying naked in bed]

Her: Tell me your fantasy.

Me: Well, I get in my car to drive to work, and for the entire trip, there is no traffic.