REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
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google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
The first guy to clap was really weird “I enjoyed this so I’m going to hit my hand with my other hand to show my appreciation”
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
It’s fine to eat chicken with skin but serve beef with skin and everybody just starts freaking out.
[lying naked in bed]
Her: Tell me your fantasy.
Me: Well, I get in my car to drive to work, and for the entire trip, there is no traffic.