Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5: How much blood?
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Surround yourself with positive people and positive things will happen. Surround yourself with negative people and say hi to my family.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
If I could, I would avoid every conversation by making that beeping truck sound while slowly backing away from people as they approach me.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge