@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

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@SaraMansford

Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.

@DaddyJew

Surround yourself with positive people and positive things will happen. Surround yourself with negative people and say hi to my family.

@narcoticpanda

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

@arielleBigBlue

If I could, I would avoid every conversation by making that beeping truck sound while slowly backing away from people as they approach me.

@3sunzzz

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

@unravelingfire

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

@roxiqt

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

@jonnysun

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge