5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
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8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Nothing to do, you say?
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?